This cant be happening

I will never forget the way i felt on the night that my husband told me he received his orders to deploy.... I had just put our boys down for bed and went downstairs to clean up the kitchen and the table from the nightmare of having spaghetti with a 4,3 and 1 year old. My husband walked over, I could tell something was up because he wasn't acting like his usual "thank goodness the boys are down" mood, he hesitantly said "I'm going babe". Instantly i knew exactly what he meant and in an instant i felt heart break, anger, fear, and sadness all within seconds of each other. And you can bet your ass he also experienced those emotions through me because i am not one to hold back my feelings, i try but i can only hold my tong for a few seconds. I thought "how is this happening to us NOW"? "why now"? We had just purchased our house, had plans to vacation across the seas and were experiencing a very hard trial with infertility. As horrible as it sounds i also thought "i didn't sign up for this". Don't worry, that was the irrational part of my thinking which happens more times then i would like to admit. My husband is what they call "a weekend warrior" which is bull shit if you ask me. They all fight the same fight, as i was quickly reminded of that the night my husband told me he was leaving. I want to write to this blog as a sort of personal diary for myself but also for other military wives who might be going through the same thing. So that we can all lean on each other during this sucky time.